First of all, Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate it! I am back in Cincinnati, Ohio, spending the day with my extended family. However instead of writing about the dress I’m wearing or the crazy place I’m traveling to next, I thought I would be rather real with you all. Being home for the holidays this time around has felt rather … different. Let me back you up and give some back story as to why.
Three years ago, my mother was put in hospice around this time. She had suffered a brain aneurysm that August and was in the hospital ever since. It was a tough time for my family, to say the least. I was 28 at the time. No one ever expects to loose their mom at 28. So during this time, I worked during the days and spent the evenings with my mother contemplating what was ultimately to come. She made it through Christmas, but passed soon after in early January. Since then, I’ve had to get used to Christmas without my mother. It’s definitely hard considering that she was such a part of Christmas before.
Moving forward
I spent 2016 preparing for my move. Instead of dwelling on my loss (good or bad … I don’t know), I focused on work and my upcoming move to Spain. At the age of 29, I was about to do what most people do around the age of 22 … teach English abroad. However I’ve always been and still am the kind of person that laughs in the face of convention. Who cares if most of my colleagues would be recent grads? (and actually I found more people in my age group than I thought). I wanted the opportunity to live in Spain! At the end of the day, I knew if I didn’t go when I had the chance, I would regret it.
I departed for Spain in September of 2016. I’ve spent the last two Christmases in Europe, traveling to new countries such as Belgium, Scotland and Andorra. Both years, I really wanted to use the several weeks that I had free to see new places. While I missed my family, it didn’t bother me too much that I couldn’t make it back.
This year, however, I knew that I needed to spend Christmas in the United States. I wasn’t able to make it home over the summer like I had after my first year, so I made a point to come back for this Christmas.
Home is different
Things have changed since I left. I mean, I know that’s a given. Life moves on. People grow and change. But it can still be hard.
My father sold the family house out in the suburbs and bought a smaller house in the city. While he still has the space for my brother and I to visit, it just feels different without my mom. The old house was my house. It was the home I had spent my entire childhood in. I still had a bed there and it just felt familiar. When my mom was still alive, she always made sure to make my brother and I feel welcome when we returned home. She’s have food in the kitchen and our beds made up.
This house, however, just feels different. This really just feels like my dad’s house. I of course cannot blame him. I’m 31 years old and this is life. I’m an independent adult now. My dad is simply trying to move on and be happy like the rest of us. However I still miss the Christmases of the past when my mom was still alive.
So these next few weeks, I’m sleeping on an air mattress on the floor of a room that I think he uses for storage. The house is nice and don’t get me wrong, I am grateful to have this time with my family. However in some ways, it feels like I really don’t have a home in Cincinnati anymore. Of course I know that if I moved back, I’d find a place and make it my own.
No one is getting any younger
The first thing that I did when I came home was attend my cousin’s wedding in Nashville. It was an absolutely beautiful service and I could not be more happy for her. She’s the fourth cousin to get married. Honestly, if you look around, all of my cousins are starting to pair off. And then there’s me all by my lonesome.
I know that everyone finds that someone in their own time and that there’s no right age or whatever. However it still just kind of sucks spending the holidays alone. Most of my friends are in relationships, married and some even have kids. I think that a lot of people look at my life and see me as this independent travel girl who moved to a foreign country at age 29. While that is true, that also doesn’t mean that I don’t want to settle down. Like most people, I too want to end up with someone and maybe even have kids one day.
I even feel relationships with friends change. I mean, that’s part of getting older. In some ways, you replace your best friend with your spouse. You have children and of course they become your world. I get it. I also still feel a bit lonely.
Over these next few weeks, I’m just trying to remain positive and have fun visiting everyone.
In the end, I’m grateful
This is simply how life goes. Unfortunate things happen and we cannot control them. The only constant I have in life is myself. The most important thing is taking care of myself and ensuring my own happiness. So over these next few weeks, I’m going to keep that in mind
