Life is such an amazing and beautiful journey. The older we get, the less we realize we know. I’ve been processing a lot what it means to be the foreigner … the outsider. Before I moved abroad to Spain, I envisioned eating good food, drinking good wine, traveling and meeting wonderful people. All of those things have definitely happened. In fact, I’d say a good 80-90% of my time is just that. However what I wasn’t expecting was feeling like the outsider from time to time. The other. The one who is different and calls attention because she’s not like the rest.
Of course I figured it would happen a bit since I’m not from Spain. But what I wasn’t expecting was that I would feel identified as country or nationality first more than just a few times. Everything in this world has a purpose and I believe all experiences can be used for good. More than anything, this has really taught me a lot about the world and the experience of others who are in this role of the other. This experience of being the other will help me to be more compassionate towards others who are different. I would like to take you on my journey of how I arrived here.
My story
I am a white American woman from a middle class family. My entire life, I’ve been what society says an American is. I speak perfect English with a midwestern American accent (the one news casters try to speak with because it’s considered a “neutral” American accent). Anywhere I go in the United States, I’m generally taken for my word and seen as a person. I’m not seen as my identity first. I don’t have to explain myself to strangers.
I grew up in a suburb of Cincinnati, Ohio, that consisted of mostly white and middle class families. My parents decided to raise my brother and I in Anderson Township because the schools were excellent and the community was safe. It was what was deemed as “perfect” to raise a family.
My parents were not racist people. They simply chose Anderson because they liked it. Many parts of the United States are still very racially segregated despite segregation being illegal. There are many reasons for that that would make for another blog post. Instead I’m just going to link this video that explains why we have the suburbs that it’s more than “people just choose to segregate.”
My parents always taught me to treat everyone the same. They taught me not to judge a person on the color of their skin, their religion, gender, sexual orientation or ethnicity. However in a neighbourhood like Anderson, there really was no place to put these things into practice. So they remained just ideas. I am still very glad that my parents taught me these things and believe that all parents need to teach their children these things.
In university, I became an activist for many different social justice issues. In the years just after university, I volunteered and worked in the non-profit sector. I remember going to an anti-racism workshop at the age of 23 where I first learned about things like white privilege and systemic racism. I learned to listen rather than speak when talking with people of color about racism. I read books and learned how to best be an ally.
I also spent time working with Hispanic immigrants. I learned about the injustices of our immigration system. I learned to speak Spanish and worked at a social service agency in my city called Su Casa Hispanic Center. All in all before my move to Spain, I considered myself to be an educated person sympathetic to injustices and inequalities in the world. Did I still have stuff to learn? Of course. But I thought I had a good handle on it all. Little did I know that Spain would help to really feel and empathize with the experiences of minorities I knew back home.
Life in Spain
When you make the move to a different country and really put yourself in the lives of people there, you will have a vastly different experience than going on vacation. Befriending locals is one thing I always knew I had to do during my time in Spain. If I really wanted to experience Spain, I had to get to know Spanish people rather than hang out with other expats all the time. So whether it’s always living with Spaniards or doing language exchanges, I’m always trying to get to know Spaniards.
Normally when I meet a new Spaniard, the conversation is about where I’m from, what I’m doing in Spain and if I like it in Granada. While I speak Spanish pretty well, I have an accent when I speak (something very normal when you learn a language as an adult). It’s always that dead giveaway that I’m not from Spain. Those questions I mentioned above are completely normal when getting to know a new person. Heck I would ask these same questions back home in Cincinnati upon meeting someone new. And if they had an accent, I’d be curious as I love to travel. So there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that curiosity.
However more than just a few times, it’s been a bit more than just some basic questions …
Feeling like you’re identified as nationality first
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I sometimes feel like I get identified by my nationality first and then as a person second. Yes, I am from the United States. I do know how to sing our national anthem, I speak fluent English with an American accent, I enjoy a baseball game and I hold an American passport. However my nationality is just one part of me.
My entire life within my country, I was identified by things about me first rather than my country. For example, I would talk about things like my job as a montessori teacher, my work in the non-profit sector or my involvement in an improv comedy troupe when first meeting a new person. These were the things that gave me life. The things that really energized me. The things I could talk for hours upon hours about.
I am from the United States. However I’ve never been a “USA USA USA” kind of girl. I am thankful for the many opportunities and privileges the United States has given me. I know I am extremely lucky to have been born into this world as a United States citizen. However I am more proud of the person I am than the country I come from. The fact is that the United States has also done some awful things to people in history. The United States now is also not a great place for people of color and immigrants. These are things that don’t make me proud of the United States and things I wish I could change. Furthermore, it’s not written anywhere that I have to be extremely proud of my country. I am thankful for the opportunities I have been afforded, but it is what it is.
Sometimes when interacting with people in Europe, they really want to talk about the United States and they want to talk about it a lot. Beyond just the simple “what part are you from?” I am often the first or second person from the United States they have met. Before me, they may have seen movies and watched the news. They may have eaten McDonalds and assume that Americans eat food like that daily (I want to insert the cry-laugh emoji here). While I sometimes am happy to answer their endless questions, I don’t feel like it’s my job to have some big debate if I just don’t have the energy, even if I might be the first American this person has met. As said before, I’m just a person living my life in Spain.
In these instances, it doesn’t feel like a two-way conversation. I remember taking a blablacar from Sevilla and the driver had admitted that he hadn’t really met too many Americans. While the ride was comfortable, it was two hours of feeling like I was in the spotlight. And the general vibe I got from him was that he thought I was like this weirdly interesting bird from a strange land. It was as if he saw me wearing an American-flag t-shirt chanting “USA USA USA” rather than just a normal 30-year-old woman working in Southern Spain like anyone other 30-year-old. It felt like in his mind he was thinking “oh how odd that today one of my passengers is from the US. I’ll just bombard her with questions for the entire ride.”
I remember connecting with a guy on Tinder who really wanted to talk about this sort of thing too. He was asking me how my culture compares and contrasts with Spain. He was asking me about various political things. He very directly said that his he was speaking with me because he wanted to talk with an American about all of these things. I’m on Tinder to just meet and connect with people, so I told him that I’m just a normal girl living and working in Spain. I told him that there’s much more to me than my nationality. Then I changed the subject to his work as a photographer. We made some small talk and then he told me he had to go to work. Then he unmatched with me. He literally deleted me off the app. I just wanted him to get to know me as a human.
There was another time when I was at a bar with three Spanish friends and Trump came up in conversation. So I’m just explaining to them how he got elected as I find most people over here have no idea about the electoral college. The waiter comes over to us and says (in Spanish) “I just can’t help but overhear and I have a question. The United States is a big and powerful country, so I guess what I want to say is that you know we can’t repeat this, right?”
I was completely shocked that he said this. First, he was on the clock and I was a client. I should be treated with respect when enjoying a drink, at the least. Second, it felt like he wanted to scold me or something when he had no idea who I was. In this moment, he likely just thought “American who speaks Spanish. I can give her a piece of my mind about this idiot in chief!” Had he just treated me with respect and engaged in a conversation with me, he would have gotten a much different answer and a new perspective. However in this moment, he couldn’t have cared less about me as a person. I was just his opportunity to tell an American … any American … his two cents.
There have been other times I’ve felt this way too. However these three are the ones that stick out in my mind.
Again I totally get it that people naturally have a lot of curiosity when they meet an American for the first time. We are all over the news and our movies are all over the world. However I would still prefer to be treated as a person when you’re first getting to know me. We can certainly have these sorts of conversations over time. However in the first meeting, I at least want to feel like it goes two ways.
Welcome to my everyday life
The other day, I was at a bar in Granada with two American friends of mine. Both of these ladies are African-American. The three of us are just sitting there enjoying our drinks and speaking in English (obviously). A man around the age of 45-50 comes over to our table and interrupts our conversation to ask us if we speak Spanish. We say we do. I ask the guy why he came over (as I found it a tad odd) and he tells us that he and his friends had noticed that we weren’t from Spain and we were attractive. He also says he came over to “opinar sobre Los Estados Unidos” (form an opinion of the United States). “The best way to do that is to talk to the people, no?” he says in Spanish.
I was feeling a tad irritated. First of all, I was enjoying beers with my two American friends. This man interrupts us and then forces us to switch to Spanish. Don’t get me wrong … I love speaking Spanish and I speak it fluently. However when I spend time with my American friends, it’s my time to relax and speak my native language. So because I was feeling a tad irritated, I was more direct than usual. For good or bad, this is how I often am when irritated.
After he says the bit about forming an opinion about the United States, I tell him about how I sometimes feel like I’m seen as my nationality first when I would like to be seen as a person first. This might have been the first time someone told him this, so he’s all like “oh no .. I definitely see you as a person.” Then I change the subject to his favorite parts of Spain because I don’t feel like having a big conversation about my country. I tell him that I’m a travel blogger and I want to know what parts of Spain he recommends. We talk for a few minutes and then he leaves with his friends. My friends are pretty thankful as they were weirded out by the entire situation.
Karen then tells me “Nina I am totally in agreement with you when you say that stuff about being seen as your nationality and I support you! However welcome to my world. I have always been viewed by people as the color of my skin rather than as a person.”
I loved that she brought this up because she was so right. For most of my life, I’ve lived as the “normal.” I’m what an American is supposed to look like and talk like. I belong. However people of color and minorities all have stories of feeling like the other. It’s sadly a part of their life and most have learned to just live with it.
Getting told I’m wrong
That same day, I find myself telling one of my Spanish roommates about this in conversation. All I say is “sometimes here I get the feeling that I’m seen as my nationality first.” She responds with “Oh no. Here no. That doesn’t happen here.” I’m again shocked. How can she tell me my experience is wrong? It’s my experience. Furthermore, she has never been a foreigner in Spain. She’s always been seen as someone who belongs. I know that she always has the best intentions for me, so this was likely coming from a place of just wanting the best Spain experience for me.
However this interaction was another way in which I could really understand how minorities often feel when opening up about how they feel and their experiences. Rather than simply being listened to, they’re often told that they’re overreacting, it isn’t so bad or that they took it wrong. However instead all they really want is someone to listen and try to understand. So I texted Karen this and she responded with “that’s too real.”
A newfound understanding
After this day, I reflected upon how this experience will affect me and make me a better person. Before living in Spain, I had always tried to understand and empathise with the struggles of other people. I really tried to understand and listen. However there was only so much I could really “get” from my place of privilege.
Now after two years in Spain, my everyday life is being different. I am now the other. I now know what it feels like to be judged on something other than the content of my character. I know how it feels when people generalize me based on the idea they have about my country. This will help me to really see and treat people differently. This experience will remind me to get to know everyone as a person first and not to assume they are their stereotypes.
I also want to note that I am still lucky in my experience because this isn’t every day. Something like this happens maybe once a month. Just enough for it to affect me and inspire me to write this post. However not enough to make me want stop this journey not at all.
In the end, I cannot stop some people from seeing me as an American first. It’s just part of the experience. However I get to show them my United States. I get to verify things that are true and add a different perspective to false ideas. However because I’m still a human first, sometimes I don’t perfectly do this. I’m always still learning and growing.
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